Do you really want to know?

As i feel so much better now and finally able to talk about it and recall the day of the operation, i thought i would go into a bit more detail about it. I hope it will be helpful for others about to have their band fitted. I dont want to scare you, but i would have wanted to know more about what to expect so that i would have spoke to my surgeon more and asked more relevant questions. I am sure each hospital and surgeon have their own routines and way's of doing things, but this was my experience at the Dolan Park and my surgeon Mr Alan Li.

As i went to the hospital the day before the op to have my bloods done, i was told i didnt need to arrive on the day until 10am, as oppose to 7am which would be the usual time for arriving.

I woke early after having a good nights sleep, i was a bit nervous but i had resigned myself to the fact that this is what i have got to do, if i want to enjoy the rest of my life being slimmer and happier about myself. My 2 daughters were going with me so we set off on the 52 mile journey, taking just over an hour to get there. It was a weird feeling walking in there, voluntarily, knowing this is my choice to put myself through this operation, it wasnt a medical condition i have, i am doing this by choice. I felt surprisingly calm, i didnt allow myself to feel nervous i chatted away to my daughters and the staff with ease. After a short wait i was shown to my room which was quite basic but big and spacious. I was given a gown, theatre cap and disposable knickers and told to have a shower and change at about 12. The Anesthetist came to see me at about 1 and then Mr Li came in at about 2, he said i was 2nd on his list and it would be around 3ish that they would come for me. Mr Li was lovely, very easy to chat to and reassuring. So that was it, at 3.30 the male nurse came for me to walk me down to theatre. I said goodbye to my girls and floated down the corridor, im sure my feet never touched the ground, it was surreal. We went into the anesthetic room where i sat shaking like a leaf while they connected electrode pads to me and then they took me through to the theatre, which was rather full of theatre staff in gowns. I was asked to get on the table which had 2 feet rests which i had to shuffle down until i was in the correct position, there were 2 outright armrests that they then strapped my arms to and then they strapped my legs in place. I was absolutely terrified as noone had actually explained any of this to me and i did not know what to expect or what was going to happen next and lying there strapped in a crucifix position, i felt vulnerable and scared to death, i thought any minute now im going to have a heart attack and die just out of sheer terror. The anesthetist then put a venflon in my left hand and a nurse connected the wires to the electrode pads and told me she was putting a cold slab on my left thigh. I just lay there thinking what are they doing, why are they doing this to me? cant they just put me out of my misery? Then to my horror they said they were going to put a mask over my mouth and nose and to breathe normally, i just couldnt believe they were doing this, why didnt they just inject me? It took what seemed like an eternity of breathing into the mask before i was told to take some deeper breathes, what i really wanted to do was shout out no, stop, i cant take anymore, but then eventually i felt like my legs had gone a dead weight and that was it. The next thing i remember is being back in my room and hearing my daughters voices, i knew it was all over then, thank god it was all over. I was aware of people talking around me and my daughters talking to me but i couldnt reply, i was exhausted, i just wanted to sleep which is exactly what i did! I had a reasonable night drifting in and out of sleep and the following morning when my daughter arrived i just couldnt wait to get home. Mr Li came to make sure i was ok before being discharged.

I am so relieved it is all over, but if i had any idea that i would have to go through all that in the theatre i may well have gone elsewhere. I would have talked to the surgeon before i even booked the operation to ask if it was possible to be put to sleep immediately on entering the theatre, had it not been possible i would then have made enquiries elsewhere to find out the procedures at other hospitals as i am certain they all do things differently. I just feel that it was a traumatic experience and wish i had been warned beforehand before making my decision.

I have to go back to see Mr Li at the Dolan Park in 2 weeks for an xray check-up and at the moment i have to decide whether to have a fill at the same time. Even though my band is empty at the moment, i do feel like i have some restriction but i assume that is due to swelling around the site of the band so i will see how i feel during the next week. Now that i feel so much better i am keen to get this band working for me as much as possible so a fill seems very tempting right now.

2 weeks today!

Wow, that 2 weeks has passed quite quickly really. Sitting here writing this now, i dont even feel like i have had an operation at all, no soreness, no pain and i can eat and drink with only very occasional discomfort. Obviously this was all a very different story this time last week, but i have definitely turned a corner.

For the first few days post-op, all i wanted to do was sleep, i have never experienced such extreme tiredness, i could literally be sitting talking to someone and nod off! My typical day would be having regular tiny sips of water, i only managed half a bottle of slimfast in total over 2 days, the third day i managed half a tin of tomato soup and a few spoons of custard in the evening. In between times i just slept, i had no interest in reading or watching tv, it was too much like hard work. Even talking was exhausting. During the first week/10 days i didnt even feel like going on the forum or blogging, truth is i couldnt stomach it, reading other peoples experiences and thinking about my own was making me feel sick and i wanted to avoid it at all costs. The surgeon said i would probably feel like i had been kicked in the stomach really hard and i suppose that goes a little way to describing the pain i felt. I had constant pain in my left side, in particular around my ribs, i was convinced the theatre staff must have been so rough with me that they must have broke my ribs! Breathing was painful, especially if i breathed in too fast or hard it really hurt and took my breathe away. The port site was the most painful wound, in fairness the other 3 were just a bit sore, but the port site was quite bad, especially in bed whether i tried to sleep on my left or right it was painful. I did go to the doctor last saturday, a week post-op, just to get checked over to make sure everything was as it should be. The doctor was very good, he examined me fully, listened to my heart, lungs, stomach and bowel. The thing i was most concerned about was the pain in my left ribs and shortness of breathe and he said he was making sure no problems had occurred and first thing that would show up would be in my lungs or bowel so by listening to them, he could tell that they sounded ok and just to be aware that if i got a temperature to come back to him so he could check everything again. I was very impressed with him and it reassured me no end. By the end of the first week i was now managing a little bit of ready brek, a full tin of soup (divided into portions throughout the day) and a small carton of custard and everything was starting to go down much easier as the swelling in my stomach went down. I guess the ice lollies must have helped with the swelling as by now i was having 1 or 2 each day.

Week 2 has been a much better week all round. I had booked to go to Cornwall with my children on the 19th which was 9 days post-op, wasnt really sure how i would be but thought it would be good to get away and i could rest all day! It has been fantastic! We got back last night and even though i had a good rest, i also did quite alot of walking, up very steep hills! We went out and about every day, mainly walking around the little villages, shopping, sightseeing etc. but also walked down to some hard to get to beaches and had to really climb to get back up! It was fun though and i never felt like i had overdone it and it even gave me an appetite!! So the 2nd week my typical day has been having either a poached egg or scrambled egg around 11ish, some chocolate whilst out and about (i know i shouldnt but i had to keep my energy levels up!!) some mashed potato with some mushy peas, or fish pie and then in the evening some custard. I even had a glass or 2 of wine each evening! So like i said, we got back last night and i have weighed myself this morning and i havent put any weight on, i have maintained my loss of 18lbs so i am really quite happy with that. So that is it now, no chocolate or wine, except for the occasional treat.

6 days post-op

Wow, cant believe how different i feel today, i started feeling a bit better over the last 2 days but didnt want to build my hopes up. I actually feel 90% normal again! im still sore and tender on my left side which is where the port is placed, but i dont feel groggy, dont feel weak and i can now swallow alot better. I still dont have much appetite and have struggled the last few days to get a few spoons of soup or custard down (shouldn't complain, make the most of it while it lasts!) From what i have read, my appetite will return and will remain until i have my first 'fill'. On the upside, i have lost 17lbs from when i started my pre-op diet to today! I feel more happy with the decision i made, i know i still have a long journey ahead, but i feel happier and excited about the future.

Its all done - 3 days post-op!

Its finally done, i have my band fitted and im not really sure how i feel right now, it has been a very grueling few days.

The truth is, despite all the reading & research i have done and the excellent forum i am a member of, nothing prepared me for how i would feel. At the moment i am wondering what on earth i have done and put myself through, was it absolutely necessary?, was it really the only option left to me?

I am feeling quite low in myself and feel like i am grieving, for my old life i guess. All the comfort i found in food that i can no longer turn to, ironically at a time when i feel like i need it the most.

Im not really in the mood to go into detail about the day itself. Im sure in a few days i will feel alot better and more positive, for now all i want to do is sleep, rest and heal.

Tomorrow is the day!!! - Take 2!

I cant quite believe it, but tomorrow i am going to have my gastric band fitted! It doesnt quite seem real, but it really is going to go ahead this time, no hiccups! Today has been a bit like the final weeks of pregnancy when you start 'nesting'! Ive cleaned the house all through, hoovered, bleached, polished, mopped! The cupboards are stocked up and all last minute bits of shopping done too!! I have just packed by bag, nightie, dressing gown, slippers, toiletries, magazines, sudoku, note pad & pen and in the morning i will pack my laptop just in case im up to it!

I feel quite relaxed actually, not anxious at all, although that could be a different story tomorrow!

Last night Mr Li (my surgeon) rang me, he sounds absolutely lovely! he went through everything with me. Because i went down to Dolan Park yesterday for blood tests, i will be one of the first on the list! So im really pleased about that, cant bear the thought of sitting waiting all day watching everyone being taken down to theatre before me. I explained my fear of waking up in agony, which happened to me a few years ago after having a laparoscopy, so he put my mind at rest there and assured me he would speak to the anesthetist about putting in a bit of extra pain-killer to hopefully prevent this (felt like a bit of a wimp!) He was very nice and very reassuring and it just so happens that when he rang me i was in curry's buying a nintendo wii fit! He was well impressed!!

So thats it, im just going to chill out and try to relax tonight.................got an early start tomorrow!!

Well its all finally sorted!

Im going to have my op on Saturday at Dolan Park, Its all organised, paid for etc., ive gone for the basic package of 28 days aftercare and then i will have my fills on a 'pay as you go' basis.

As for the Nuffield........... i really cant believe how badly they have treated me. They cocked up and didnt have me listed, then promised friday, then said no they cant on friday and said they are very sorry and they will sort things out asap. I then sent them an email this morning to tell them how unhappy i was, i thought it better to put it in writing, i told them i had an option to go to bromsgrove but wanted to stay with them but felt that due to the cock up and stress it had caused that perhaps a financial jesture was appropriate. I was wrong there!! I got an email back saying that they were very sorry for the cock up but as a jesture of goodwill they would not charge me £545 for having my bloods done last week and seeing the dietician and wished me well with my op at bromsgrove!! I really cant believe the cheek of them!!

But..... im not going to let this bad experience get me down. I have remained on my pre-op diet of slimfast & youghurts, so i will have done 2 weeks on it by saturday, my liver should be miniscule!!

So the countdown begins again............!

Update

The Nuffield did eventually confirm that they cocked up and they are very sorry but my operation is not down for tomorrow and that they cant fit me in. They then rang back an hour later and said they can fit me in on friday. Then they rang back half an hour later and said sorry no, they cant do friday as they have no anaethsetist available! It was then left with them trying to sort something out for next week, obviously i told them i was not happy and had been stressed and upset all day.

In the meantime, mainly out of panic, i started ringing around and checking online. I have come up with Dolan Park Bromsgrove, Mr Super through the 'why go abroad' and they have been so helpful on the phone and have said they can fit me in for my op on Monday!! And..... i can save a substantial amount of money, ok i know it doesnt include the big package but having read lots of threads on the forums there seems to be alot of talk of Dolan Park and Mr Super and this doesnt seem to be an issue. I am very very tempted to be honest and want to tell the Nuffield to go to hell!!

My worst nightmare

I am writing this in floods of tears. I am supposed to be having my op tomorrow and i was told i would get all the necessary paperwork through the post, which never came and i never thought anything of it, been too busy getting excited and concentrating on my pre-op and making sure i have everything ready for after. So ive just rang the Nuffield to see what time i have to be there, as i was told by the surgeon i was on his list for between 2 - 5 and ive been told im not on the system!!

Mr Cheruvu's secretary has just rang me to confirm i am not on his list. She is waiting for him to come out of theatre to speak to him to find out where things have gone wrong but at the moment there is no more room on his list for tomorrow anyway.

Im absolutely gutted. Ive been on my pre-op for 9 days now and i didnt sleep well last night, i suppose lack of food and psyching myself up for tomorrow, ive got a banging headache, i just dont know what im going to do? Why is this happening?

Tomorrow is the day!!!

I just cant believe its nearly here, i feel like ive waited forever and yet its not that long, its 4 weeks to the day since i made my mind up i wanted to have this done. Four weeks is not long to wait for this life-changing operation, not when i think about the misery and loneliness i have felt about myself for the last 20 years - the disgust i felt in myself for a) allowing myself to get so overweight in the first place and b) for not having the will to see any diet through to the very end.

I suppose people go through life the best they can and everyone deals with the ups & downs in their own way. Some people turn to alcohol or drugs, some go through life suffering anxiety & depression, some suffer physical health problems, some have amazing coping mechanisms and seem to sail through. Of course some people are just very lucky in the path of life they choice, or the path that is chosen for them, they make good choices wth careers, relationships etc. Some are not so fortunate. I have made so many bad choices and my answer it seems, was to get comfort from food. I have so much to be grateful for, i may not have the financial security that would make my life that bit easier and i may not have that special someone in my life to share the ups & downs with, but i have 3 fantastic children and a beautiful healthy, happy granddaughter who does literally make my heart melt - and apart form being over-weight i have good health, so for all these things i am eternally grateful.

When i went to see the surgeon for my consultation and he took all my history, he said he could see where it all went wrong. Having 3 young children and all the worries and sleepless nights that go with that, having a difficult relationship, going through separation and divorce, being a single parent, losing a parent, having financial difficulties etc etc, its not hard to see when i look at it now.

I dont want to make this sound like im feeling sorry for myself or to make it sound like im making excuses for how i became so overweight, but i am trying to analyse my life and try to get a better understanding for myself, because that is important to me and will become more important as my journey steps up a few paces tomorrow.

Dietician Appointment

Like i said earlier, i went to see the dietician. Not much to say really and she didnt tell me anything i dont already know or havent already been told. She was very happy with the pre-op diet i was following, slimfast, yoghurt, milky coffee and confirmed that i will be following this for the first week at least post-op, so nothing new there. I can have 2 more appointments with her which is included in my package, so i think they may well be very useful in the weeks/months to come if i get stuck with foods or weight loss along the way. It is reassuring to know i can ring her for advice at any time, although i feel my research will help me, you just never know what problems may crop up along the way.

I forgot to mention yesterday, i bought a lovely black velour jogging suit from Tesco which i thought would be ideal to wear going in and coming out of hospital. Obviously you need to be comfy and wear loose fitting clothes as im sure there will be quite a bit of soreness and discomfort.

Well its Sunday tomorrow, only 3 days!! Off to sleep now.

5 days to go!!

This pre-op diet is going so quick, im half way there already! 5 days to go!!

I have an appointment at the Nuffield this afternoon with the dietician, which i think is to discuss the post-op diet with me. From what i have read the first week is pretty much the same as the pre-op diet slimfast/milk.

Im just more worried about the pain, please dont let me be in pain!! Obviously i expect to be sore and some discomfort but im hoping this will be minimal. I have always felt i have a high pain threshold, i have had 3 children with very little pain

relief! But 2 years ago i had a exploratory laparoscomy due to gynae problems and when i came

round from the anesthetic i was in absolute excruciating agony which caused loads of concern in recovery so much so that i was there for nearly 3 hours while they were trying to stabilise my pain, they were giving me morphine and all sorts! Apparently it is normal after such minor surgery to be back on the ward within an hour at the most. Im not sure what caused so much pain, as it was such a minor procedure, i was told it must have been caused by the gas they use to inflate your stomach wall away from your organs to give them good access, which is why i am worried i will have the same pain this time as they do the same thing with gas. I have spoke to the surgeon about this and he has said to remind him on the day and he will let the anesthetist know.

I will be back later to give an update on the dietician appointment.

Night Shifts!!

Well i just got home from doing a night shift, first one since i started my pre-op. That was very hard!! Ive been absolutely starving all night! I did take slimfast with me and had 2 during the night but it never touched the sides! At least i can get some sleep shortly and while im sleeping i wont be hungry! Im getting a bit fed up of milky coffee too now, im not a coffee drinker anyway, i just thought it would be a better way of drinking milk as i dont like drinking milk on its own.

I must say, i can definitely tell i have lost a few pounds now, i know its not much but my face looks a bit slimmer and i just feel a bit lighter in general and its a great feeling! What is even better is knowing that i am never going to get bigger again, every pound i lose now is a pound nearer to a new slimmer me! Unlike in the past when every time i went on a diet and lost weight, it was a great feeling, but i knew it wouldnt last and i would put it back on, and some more. Its a weird feeling knowing that things are going to be different this time, for the first time in 20 years i know i will not fail to lose weight and keep it off. Im so excited, i feel a bit like a child looking forward to christmas, i keep smiling to myself and feel so much happier and for the first time in a very very long time i feel really positive about the future.

One week to go!!

Im so excited! One week today i will be a bandit!!

My pre-op diet is going really well, im having 3 slim fast, 3/4 weight watcher yoghurts and 1 or 2 skinny coffee's a day and lots of water. Wasnt sure i would be able to manage having slim fast, i tried lighterlife and cambridge diet that many times and could heave now thinking about them, that vile vitaminy taste! :( yuk! :( :( so many bad memories of them, i thought i was scarred for life! But im pleased to say that slimfast tastes and smells nothing like them. I have weighed myself this morning and i have already lost 4 lbs! so hopefully by the time i go for my op next wednesday i will have a good loss and my liver will be the size of a peanut!!

Come on NHS, what are you playing at??!!

I just have to get something off my chest. I am a member of the UK gastric band forum (an excellent forum for anyone who has not heard of it). The number of people, me included who have tried to get gastric bands through the NHS but hit brick walls is ridiculous!!

I just cant believe how difficult they make it for people to have the op on the NHS!! Every week you read in the papers what a drain obesity is putting on the NHS resources right now and that it will be a bigger problem for them in the future. Surely if Doctors can see on their records that weight has been an issue for a number of years and all diets and other options have been tried and exhausted, they should put people through the op process much more willingly and quicker?!! From what i have read, the average wait on the NHS route is 18mths to 2 years if you are lucky and you have to jump through hoops for that and face being rejected and having to appeal.

You just wonder what is wrong with these decision makers at the top that seem to make it so hard for us and be so reluctant, when we are so willing to sort out our weight problem, therefore reducing our risks of obesity related illnesses, therefore less potential for being a drain on the NHS in the future!! Oooh, i could explode i really could!! It does make you wonder why we work so hard and pay all this money in national insurance contributions on our wages when we cant call on the NHS when we so desperately need them. Sorry for my rant, it just makes me so mad and its so unfair.

Pre-op Diet commences!

So this is it, the build up to my op! Lots of mixed feelings over the last day or two, the realisation that this really is going to happen. I am excited but at the same time very nervous and if i think about it too much i could be physically sick!

The idea of the pre-op diet is to shrink the liver in preparation for the operation, giving the surgeon easier access to the stomach if the liver is smaller. Dependent on which surgeon and hospital you go to, there seems to be a difference in the pre-op diets that people are put on. I am on a milk and yoghurt diet, although slimfast shakes can be drank instead of milk, so that is what i am having - 3 slimfast, 3 weightwatcher yoghurts and a milky coffee! I started yesterday so today is day 2. Of course the other advantage of this pre-op diet is that you lose weight prior to the op, which can only be a good thing! 7lbs to a stone is the average so here's hoping!!

Decision Time

I had thought on and off over the last 2 years about a gastric band but i always kidded myself that 'im not that big' or 'my BMI would not be high enough' . I always believed that eventually i would be able to 'get a grip' and sort out my weight issues, but it was never to be. The more weight i put on, the harder the mountain to climb so in the end i gave up.

I finally made my decision to go for a gastric band on my birthday, 47 years old and here i was still not wanting to buy clothes 'until i lose some weight' not wanting to go out with friends 'until i lose some weight' and i made the decision there and then that i was not prepared to let any more time go by, or waste any more years and reach another birthday and still feel so unhappy with myself.

So that was it, i did lots of research on the internet and realised there was people much younger than me and with lower BMI's than me having gastric bands and them saying "best thing i ever did", "wish i'd done this years ago". The more i read the more i knew that this was the answer for me, that my battle would be over, i could finally achieve a 'normal' weight and walk into any high street shop and see an outfit i like knowing they would have my size in it.

I made an appointment and went for my consultation and that is it, the date is set for the 7th October.

The Diets

So like i said, i have tried just about every method of losing weight that you can imagine. I have spent the last 20 years yo-yoing and putting on more and more weight, trying along the way - weight watchers (too many times to remember), slimming world (about 8 times), Rosemary Connely (once), cambridge diet (3 times), lighterlife (like you, my most successful, losing 3 stone but putting it all backt on within about 6 weeks!), a range of pills from the doctors - tenuate, xenical, reductil (all many times), hypnotherapy (3 times) - I have spent a fortune on a personal trainer for about 3 months and gave up, i have paid expensive memberships at gyms and only been a handful of times and given up. When i think about it, i know it seems very expensive to have a gastric band (average £7,000), but when i think about how much money i have wasted over the last 20 years!, it doesnt bare thinking about. All i know now is that this is it this time, the rollercoaster ride is over and now i am on the journey to a new lighter, healthier and happier future. Its scary, but its going to be so worth it!

Where it all started to go wrong

I suppose i always felt like i was over-weight, even as a child, but looking back i now know i never was but i somehow got that idea in my head. I am one of six kids, i was number 4, looking back at photos as kids growing up, i didnt look in the slightest bit different weight-wise to the rest of the family but yet i was always made to feel like i was. Dont know why this was, i think my mother always passed little comments, she probably didnt realise what she was doing, after all she had six kids in six years and struggled to cope and suffered a minor breakdown and depression, i think i always got the brunt of her frustrations and unhappyness. I remember there were knicknames given to each sibling by one of my brothers, i can remember some of them, but funny enough i cant remember my own! (i think i have blanked it out because i think it was fatty or fatso) On the whole though, i look back and think i had a great, fun childhood, never a dull moment in a big family! (or is that me trying to blank things out again?) I left school in 1979 aged 16 - 5ft 7" and weighing 11stone 2pds - not exactly over weight by any guidelines. I then went on to lose a bit of weight away from the confines of school and stabilised at 10stone 3 pds for the next few years.

I remember never feeling like i fitted in anywhere, could never quite find where i belonged and never knew where i wanted to be. I remember my 21st birthday being completely overshadowed by my sisters big white wedding which was planned for 4 days later. I was so jealous, she looked so lovely, slim, beautiful getting married to a man who adored her - why couldnt i be like her?

In my desperation to find something for me, i got involved with an older man who i thought would look after me and give me the attention and love that i was clearly craving. We starting seeing each other and within a few months i was pregnant - was it deliberate? yes. I was happy to be having a baby, i would have someone to look after and love who would love me and need me. As soon as my beautiful daughter was born i was back to 10 stone without even trying, in fact i hovered between 9stone 10 and 10stone 2 for the next 2 years or so. My baby's dad was not quite so enthusiastic about anything that was going on around him, he felt he had been trapped (which he was, although we still lived in separate houses) his input was minimum but i thought if i waited he would eventually come round to the idea of having a new family in his life. Quite why i wanted him in my life i have no idea, he didnt offer me stability or love or much support of any kind, but none the less i was not going to give up until i won him over. Eventually he did agree that maybe we should give it a go, and we bought a house together, a lovely 3 bed semi in a sought after area, huge garden, lovely neighbours. I thought this is it, i have finally got what i wanted, i finally felt like i belonged somewhere and to top it all i became pregnant with my 2nd daughter, my life was perfect! Then the weight started piling on, 4 stone throughout my pregnancy, but i didnt care, in fact after my baby was born losing weight was the last thing on my mind, insignificant things like that didnt matter to me (or so i thought) Along the way, even thought on the outside my life looked perfect and idyllic, on the inside was a different story. I had found out the man i was living with was an alcoholic and addicted to tranquilisers, i was devestated (he was very clever and deceitful in the way he had covered this up). None the less, i still wanted my ideal life and he had managed to convince me he had given up alcohol and tranquilisers and we decided to get married (we got married on our own, without my family because he 'didnt want any fuss') I went along with it but i was so unhappy inside, happy with my babies but so unhappy with the inadequate, selfish, ignorant man that was now my husband. I pretended, i did a great job at pretending to the outside world that i had it all, but slowly dying inside through lack of love and affection and company from a loving partner, who it turns out had lied all along and was secretly still drinking and taking tranquilisers, it was like living with a zombie, i was living the life of a single parent although we were still together. This was still the 80's and there was still so much stigma attached to being a single parent and i did not want that for my kids and i wanted all my children to be true siblings, from the same dad and with that in mind i decided i wanted another child and as we were not really having a proper kind of relationship any more, i set out to conceive my son and luckily it happened immediately from that one occasion that i planned. I was the happiest i could be, i was massively over-weight and pregnant but the scan told me it was a boy, i knew my life was complete. I had my 3 children that i adored, about 18stone now, but i didnt see that, i just saw my lovely children and it didnt matter. I avoided mirrors, i avoided going out, we didnt have any friends as a couple anyway, he saw to that. I spent the next few years raising my children, getting the best i could out of life for them, private schools, horse-riding lessons, dance lessons, piano lessons, lovely birthday parties, family holidays abroad. I stuck it out for as long as i could untill i could take it no more and finally decided i could no longer live in the same house as such a selfish man. He had taken, taken, taken from being surrounded by a lovely family, but gave nothing back in return, just empty promises of getting help to get off alcohol and tranqulisers. I tried everything to help him, i went to see doctors, arranged clinic appointments privately, arranged for the clinic to send a doctor to our home instead because he said he would do it that way, i tried and exhausted every avenue to get help for him but not once did i see him make any effort or interest in wanting to sort the problem out. I lost count of the number of chances i gave him, lets sort it out or we are over but he never took me seriously so in the end i had to make the decision. I dont regret it, not for a second, no matter how bad things get (and they have) but i have never regretted the day we split up for good. (He is still an alcohol and drinks to this day)

I have a good relationship with my siblings, although due my ex-husband (things i would rather not go into at the moment) i feel that my relationship with my sister has become virtually none existent. This makes me incredibly sad, as we were such good friends for so many years and our children grew up together when they were younger. I dont know if this situation can ever improve, i would love it if it could, but for now i just need to sort out me.

Just reading back now, this is turning into a book not a blog!

I just feel that everything i have wrote so far is relevant and in some way explains how i got so overweight in the first place.

I have been through a bad relationship ending in divorce, bringing up my children on my own, i have lost everything along the way ending up bankrupt, i lost my dad very unexpectedly through not very nice circumstances, i have watched my mums health and mind deteriorating through the very cruel disease Alzheimers.

I am an emotional eater, i eat if im sad, happy, want to celebrate, commiserate, drown my sorrows, in fact i dont need an excuse, i just eat. My eating is out of control, or was. I now want to take control of my life and my weight and after years of trying every diet you can imagine, i have decided on the gastric band which i know will give me back my life.

A little bit about me

Well, i live in the Midlands in the UK. I am a single parent of 3 fantastic children, who i am very proud of for who they are and all that they have achieved.

I have decided to do this blog mainly because i think it will help me and be a kind of therapy in itself. The rollercoaster i have been on of being over-weight, has been for the last 20 years, yo-yo dieting, emotional turmoil, low self-esteem, lacking confidence, disliking myself and what i see in the mirror, making bad choices and decisions due to lack of confidence, comfort eating and so the rollercoaster continues and its impossible to get off. That is untill now. I have decided to take the drastic route of a gastric band, I havent come to this decision lightly and it is certainly not the 'easy' option, but it is the last resort and i am now very happy that i have made the decision and can finally see a happier healthier future.

Follow my blog and i will tell my story of the diets i have done and failed and the impact that has had on me. I will update along the way on my gastric band journey, the build up before and the recovery after.

Hope my blogs help in some way, with making decisions about what is right for you, it may not be the same decision as mine, but i am sure you will be able to relate in some way.